Recently a friend of mine brought up a personal matter dealing with a relationship issue she was having. Her message was heartfelt and honest, but nonetheless, its mere curtness was very deterring to me. It wasn't that I was surprised that she was having relationship issues --and maybe that should have been a red flag for me. It wasn't even as if I knew her significant other personally or had any details about their past conflicts or steamy love escapades. I wasn't surprised because everyone I know is having relationships issues.
And that isn't to say that I surround myself with the brokenhearted or easily dissuaded types. Rather it rang a bell in my head that there is a larger issue here. There is something bigger that I never even call to myself when trying to dole out advice or comfort a bleeding heart over the phone. That one thing being the entire culture of relationships.
I know that's massive, to say the least. But think. Aren't we all growing up in different yet parellel universes where the concept of love and the foundation of relationships are ever evolving? It's scary to think of it that way I guess...maybe that's why we never do. Not until my friend messaged me that is.
And speaking solely from a bald, jamaican, lesbian, agnostic, habitual liar standpoint: I can say this much. I'm uncertain where we all get this tainted idea of love from. I've seen in my culture, growing up and around different peoples of all creeds and backgrounds --that universally we are the same; but when it comes to the notion of passion we vary so much it's surreal.
I find that in the black lesbian community more often than not the symbols of codepency, over-emotion, envy and downright distrust either amplified or manifest the destroying factor of what all dykes seem to be suffering from: Insecurity.
Insecurity is aptly defined by
Webster as; being "not confident or sure; not adequately guarded or sustained; not firmly fastened or fixed". I wish I had enough brain power to dissect each facet of that definition but it's better to just relate don't you think? I speak better from experience anyways.
What woman can be confident? Better yet, what fatherless outcast who enjoys the company of other fatherless outcast can be adequately guarded? How can we stay fixed in one stop if there is nothing else around us that is stable? I hate to play the daddy card or unknowingly trap myself inside a
Freudian Slip but it mostly surrounds me.
It is very difficult to find a positive mentor or role model in an environment that is built on negativity. And that is spanning more than in the ghetto --but in the household. What it seems to be is that a lot of African-Americans find themselves trapped inside of a relationship that is neither promising nor reciprocating the type of love they desire. So women continue to produce extensions of their Love with offspring while men, inevitably, cheat. Producing a nasty cycle of mothers with not only one fatherless child but three fatherless children with two different men.
And who is to say these same "no good, ghetto ass niggas" weren't the product of the same tradegy? How else would they know better? People are so caught up on what
should be...but why is everyone surprised when a kid who is beat by his father does the same to his children? We are all broken in some compacity and I wholeheartedly believe it comes straight from the womb.
So to end that tangent and get back to the matter at hand. Insecure lesbians right? Yea. Yea.
Well we are definitely a dime a dozen. We come in every fucking shape and size and label you can think of. And for whatever man is out there reading this blog thinking: "oh women!"...you can shove it because let's not get on the penis envy, mommy/
Oedipus bullshit with you guys.
So of course there is a lot that goes into producing an insecure female. But mastering the fine taste of an insecure black lesbian is a craft all its own. As I said before I can only speak from my own experience; but I find I am constantly expected to prove myself. To everyone and anyone I meet. The problem with being a
stud is that it's difficult to hide my masculinity. And not that I want to...I'm very proud of who I am. But it's irrating having to be questioned and interviewed on what people call my "lifestyle" choice. It
IS who I am...not just the way I chose to live.
And with incessant berating it almost becomes sort of a duty of mine to remain quiet and try to be "unseen". I hate having my life always be the topic of conversation or the butt of a joke. So in coming to terms with that, I in turn cashed in a few of my own confidence points. It's hard to be sure of who you are when everyone around you is sure of who you should be. If that makes sense :-?
On top of strangers questioning you; hardly ever will you find a black family that is proud of their LGBTQ members. It's usually a very hushed topic. I always say a white family will disown you; a black family will deny it. So if you can't count on your loved ones to uplift you and make your individuality something to be celebrated; how can you know to do it for yourself? But this has all been written about before; check out any psych book on African-American dynamics: especially (
Neville, Tynes, Utsey: 2009).
But I think all this starts early on and if anyone says that its all nature in the nurture verses battle --they need to meet a couple of my friends. You have single mothers trying to raise large families; leaving the children mostly to their own vices. And sometimes the little brother take the leadership role but sometimes it's the little tomboy that no one ever pays attention to. From there it's basically like gravity. Undeniable.
That obsession for dominating or control carries over into relationships. There is practically no way a black man would deal with that type of conflicting mindset so there is the other end of the spectrum. The frail, almost exhausted lipstick or
femme lesbian who has either had her fair share of dickheads and needs a breather; or is too innocent to pursue a relationship with a male. So that is where the need to remake a "normal" relationship with a man and a woman is kind of recreated with a stud and a femme. And I do not judge either way. I don't care if you've been with men for 100yrs and one day you wake up and want to be with a woman. Labels are for products not people. If that's your bag so be it. Everyone deserves happiness --it's just a shame some people have to wait their entire lives to realize they are loving the wrong person; gender excluded.
But the thing I think we have messed up in the lesbian dynamic is that we even
have to remake a hetero relationship. Studs are so caught up in being agressive they forget they are females too and have hearts that can be broken. So they think one step ahead...they aim to be the heartbreaker instead of the wounded. Femmes are so used to the guy mentality that they expect their studs to behave just like their ex boyfriend would. Or worse off --they've never been with a man and are now totally off the lesbian market because they are afraid the same will happen with the next. I suppose the latter can go the same way with guys and females wanting to become lesbians after failed relationships. Yet what I've learned is that we are all screwed and if you do not have a goal of what you want out of a relationship you will never acheive it.
Settling is one of the saddest diseases we as human beings suffer from --because if we are inately good from the start that means that we are only giving ourselves the option to be good enough instead of better. Love is a confusing tale that I've been trying to rewrite for some time. But the truth is that the only advice I could my friend after all that pondering and reflection was: "There is only one happiness in life. To love and be loved." And that's real. Wherever you find it; no matter how fucked up and sick it may be. It's yours and no one else can take it away. So why settle when you can enjoy and despise the ride from even higher up? #CloudNineStatus
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